The day we found out...

(Warning- this is long!!)

We had tried for almost a year on our own to have children. Finally we decided it was time. Time to figure out what was going on. My hubby had my SD with fertility treatments, so it was now time to see if that was what we needed to do. I remember waiting for the phone call. I knew that we would have trouble, I was not blind to the thought that this would be tough. But, waiting on that phone call was different than I ever imagined. The phone rang...it was the doc. They were referring us to a fertility specialist. My heart collapsed. I realized my life was about to change... I just had no idea how much~

I knew it was our only option because all I have ever wanted was to be a mother. Then as I started researching everything, I started to have doubts. Was this the right choice? The doctor had said our only option was IVF with ek-see. This is where they make it (the baby) for you and actually place a celled embryo back into you. I had so many questions. I began to PRAY. Lord, please give me clarity. After having a lot of questions answered and countless hours of prayer, we made our decision.

We began the process in May of this year. I started my actually treatments in June. It began with getting blood taken, lots of ultra sounds and LOTS of waiting!! Then I got my medications. I knew there would be lots of shots, but I had no idea just how many! It started with just one shot a day in the stomach. This went on for about 2 weeks. Then it was time for the action to began. I was terrified at first of giving myself a shot and for the first 2 weeks I could not bring myself to do it. I depended on my wonderful friend Shelly Potts to be official shot giver! My mom attempted a few times. Hubby gave it one shot and just happen to have a dull needle...so when he went to give me the shot, it literally bounced back. He was terrified from then on to give me a shot! When the 3rd week came, I had to begin taking 3 shots a day.. eventually we were up to 4 sometimes 5 shots a day. Not to mention that they each had to be taken within certain time frames. So I finally decided it was time to toughen up and do it myself. Finally I could do all shots by myself...mix them up, put it in the needle and give myself the shot! My SD use to say I could just pinch my belly it would be a sprinkler!

We went every other day for a week between 6-7am to Charlotte for me to have tests and ultra sounds done, so that the doctors could monitor me and my progress. I started over stimulating... which was a high risk I had entering the process. It is extremely dangerous. They backed off on meds and it was only 2 days later and it was time for the first surgery. I had developed 24 eggs. Thats A LOT! They put me to sleep and took them all out. They fertilized them and 12 took. Then they waited a few days to see if they were forming properly. We got the call that I would be going in on Thursday for 2 embryos to placed. On that day we got to see pics of our babies if everything went as planned! It was an exciting day...Brad got to be in there with me as I had the procedure done. I had so many emotions at that time. I was scared, excited, overjoyed and nervous. We had invested so much time and a crazy large amount of money. It was all up to this day and the next 3. The procedure was over and the doctor came in to tell us that everything went great. She saw no reason that we would not get pregnant. The only bad news she had was that we might not have any other embryos to have frozen. I was so upset, but I had faith that I had so many people praying that I would not need back up. This time would work!! I left the hospital with hope and excitement. The next three days ...taught me so much patience.

Docs orders, I was placed on three days bed rest. My amazing mom came to help out and make dinner. My husband learned what being a true servant was all about. No shower for 2 days and not getting up from the bed but for the bathroom taught me a lot about myself!! I made it though. We moved right after I got off bed rest and we only had 2 more days to wait! We went on Monday morning August 11 to get the blood test done. I do not think I can ever express how I felt on that morning. It makes me sick just to think about it. I remember seeing this lady come in after us. She was already crying. Then we were in the elevator together. Everyone that knows me knows that I am extremely nosey! I had to ask her if she was ok. It was her 3rd time at IVF and she was getting her blood test done also. Suddenly I felt like crying for her or with her. A huge bolt of reality hit me. This might not work. (We did end up getting news that 2 embryo's made it through the culture process to be frozen-so we had back up) We left Charlotte and drove home to AC. Now all we could do was wait.

I had been doing this whole wait for the phone thing long enough. I had it figured out. If they had good news they called you first, bad news they waited til the end. So when she told me I would hear between 12-2 and I didn't hear anything til 1:45 that it could not be good news. I answered the phone...she only got four words out.... "I got bad news" and I handed the phone to hubby. My world shattered. Everything for nothing. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why can everyone else and not me? Why did I just waste so much time and MONEY? These were just a few questions that filled my thoughts. The next few days were spent thinking and crying. I was devastated. I hated hearing "I understand how you feel, it will be ok, God has a plan." No one knew how I felt, it was not going to be ok..... and I did not like Gods plan or Him at the moment.

It has been 3 months since all of this and there are still days that are VERY tough. I feel like all my friends are pregnant or have babies. I have been to way to many baby showers since all this started. And each one gets harder to go to. I find myself finding ways for me to get to leave early or only stay for a few minutes because I end up becoming emotional and the last thing I want to do is take away from their moment. I am so happy for them and their family, but it is so hard to hold back the emotions. I want that happiness.

God has taught me so much, since I have opened my heart and allowed Him to use this. It is still a growing process and I know that it will take time. I hope to document my hubby and I's journey as we give one last shot at this fertility thing this summer and start the adoption process. We ask for prayer. Pray that we hear God's voice clearly and act in obedience. He is using us in a special way and just pray that I can lay my selfish desires aside so He can do a work in me!