Tough Day

Today was tough....The whole infertility issue comes and goes. Today it came. It consumed me. I tried to push it aside. Pregnant students fill our hallways, young mothers, friends that are pregnant and lots of family. It became overwhelming. I am emotional. Not sure what set everything off but my emotions were all over the place today.

This is a short but to the point prayer that momma jean (my other mother) taught me when I first started going through everything. I must have said it in my head a thousand times today.

Lord,
Why? I don't understand, but I don't have to. I am nothing and I have nothing left to give. You are everything and I need you to help me. I have no strength left, please carry me.

Thats it. That is the prayer. This afternoon He did just that. He carried me... He let me cry on His shoulder. I believe that He reached down and scooped me up and kissed my forehead. It reminds me of the footprints poem. What a mighty God we serve.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving...A time to give thanks! I love holidays and Thanksgiving is one of my favorites! It is a time for great food, fun and family. We will be traveling some on Thanksgiving, but its ok becaue I miss a lot of Hubby's family since we have moved. My family is trying to change the tradition which I am a little upset about. They are wanting to do soup. Which means no turkey, no stuffing and most importantly none of pawpaw's homeade mac and cheese!! I am going through a personal grieving process. I am huge on traditions and it is so tough that things are changing. We all have our personal lives and jobs that change how we do things. I remember the days when the whole family came in town, we watched the Christmas story on tv, played outside, ate and ate some more. I guess it is time for me to come to grips with we are growing up! A good thing but sad at the same time!! As long as we are together at some point I should be thankful. I think this holiday we should all take time to reflect. So here is a list of a few things that I am thankful for:
1. My life
2. Wonderful parents
3. My growing relationship with my sis
4. Adorable little bro
5. A husband I love more than I did the day I married him :)
6. Precious step daughter
7.great house
8. a job (we all know those are becoming difficult to keep thanks to the economy)
9. loving and dependable friends
10. starbucks coffee
11. coaching volleyball
12. NY&Co :)
13. A Savior that died on the cross so that I can have life!
** these are just a few... Take time this holiday to think on things that you are thankful for!

Being an AUNT!!

So...since we have established I can not have my own kiddos. (well the doctor's say that- I still believe in Faith!) I have my best friends kiddos that I claim!

I am already an aunt. Well not technically, but my best friend, known as Mandy Pandy has a little one. I am her Aunt Lessy- Lele! I love it! I love her! We will refer to her as RE. (Those are her intials) She was born July 5, 2007. Mandy Pandy has been an amazing friend through all of this. She is not one that has shyed away from the issue, but said here have mine for a little bit, I will share her! So I have, I have babysat, played and just went to see her. When I was not living in AC it was so hard for me to miss seing her grow up, but now I am back! MP and RE came over to visit the other day! She is 16 months and almost potty trained. They go to the little gym (which I think is the coolest thing!). She has learned sign language there and MP is a great mom that re teaches. The kiddo came up to me the other day at my house as I was eating string cheese. I had given her a little bite as I opended it. She walked up to me and did the sign language for more, please. I couldn't resist! Then she said Thank You, in sign language! It was precious! Don't get me wrong, she can speak words to. I just think it is amazing that she can do both! Here are a few pics from when they came to visit- she was reading to me!

Not only am I an adopted aunt, but in like 2 and half months I will be a real aunt!! My sis in law is having a baby!! I wish I could say if I am having a niece or a nephew, but she is waiting to find out! It is driving me crazy! Either way I can not wait! Here is a pic of her at the shower we threw her! I hope I am a great aunt!

a birthday celebration!!

My SD just turned 12... I think she thinks she just turned 20! It was our weekend this weekend to have her....so we decided to do it up big time! We let her bring a friend to our house for the weekend. She brought her friend C that we LOVE! Saturday night we had my entire family- mom, dad, my sister, SD, her friend C and hubby- we all went to Durham to Southpoint. We ate dinner at PF Chang's (my Favorite and SD's too) and then the hubby surpised us all when we went to Cheescake Factory for dessert! It was amazing.

Not only was it great because of good food, but because we all took one car to get there (which made for a fun ride), we had all the family (just missing my little bro- Budman) and we had lots of GREAT laughs! It was a night I know I will not forget. I just hope the same for SD! We love her so much and I want nothing more than to make great memories for her like my parents did.

Her is a pic of her and her friend when we were in between eating places!

The day we found out...

(Warning- this is long!!)

We had tried for almost a year on our own to have children. Finally we decided it was time. Time to figure out what was going on. My hubby had my SD with fertility treatments, so it was now time to see if that was what we needed to do. I remember waiting for the phone call. I knew that we would have trouble, I was not blind to the thought that this would be tough. But, waiting on that phone call was different than I ever imagined. The phone rang...it was the doc. They were referring us to a fertility specialist. My heart collapsed. I realized my life was about to change... I just had no idea how much~

I knew it was our only option because all I have ever wanted was to be a mother. Then as I started researching everything, I started to have doubts. Was this the right choice? The doctor had said our only option was IVF with ek-see. This is where they make it (the baby) for you and actually place a celled embryo back into you. I had so many questions. I began to PRAY. Lord, please give me clarity. After having a lot of questions answered and countless hours of prayer, we made our decision.

We began the process in May of this year. I started my actually treatments in June. It began with getting blood taken, lots of ultra sounds and LOTS of waiting!! Then I got my medications. I knew there would be lots of shots, but I had no idea just how many! It started with just one shot a day in the stomach. This went on for about 2 weeks. Then it was time for the action to began. I was terrified at first of giving myself a shot and for the first 2 weeks I could not bring myself to do it. I depended on my wonderful friend Shelly Potts to be official shot giver! My mom attempted a few times. Hubby gave it one shot and just happen to have a dull needle...so when he went to give me the shot, it literally bounced back. He was terrified from then on to give me a shot! When the 3rd week came, I had to begin taking 3 shots a day.. eventually we were up to 4 sometimes 5 shots a day. Not to mention that they each had to be taken within certain time frames. So I finally decided it was time to toughen up and do it myself. Finally I could do all shots by myself...mix them up, put it in the needle and give myself the shot! My SD use to say I could just pinch my belly it would be a sprinkler!

We went every other day for a week between 6-7am to Charlotte for me to have tests and ultra sounds done, so that the doctors could monitor me and my progress. I started over stimulating... which was a high risk I had entering the process. It is extremely dangerous. They backed off on meds and it was only 2 days later and it was time for the first surgery. I had developed 24 eggs. Thats A LOT! They put me to sleep and took them all out. They fertilized them and 12 took. Then they waited a few days to see if they were forming properly. We got the call that I would be going in on Thursday for 2 embryos to placed. On that day we got to see pics of our babies if everything went as planned! It was an exciting day...Brad got to be in there with me as I had the procedure done. I had so many emotions at that time. I was scared, excited, overjoyed and nervous. We had invested so much time and a crazy large amount of money. It was all up to this day and the next 3. The procedure was over and the doctor came in to tell us that everything went great. She saw no reason that we would not get pregnant. The only bad news she had was that we might not have any other embryos to have frozen. I was so upset, but I had faith that I had so many people praying that I would not need back up. This time would work!! I left the hospital with hope and excitement. The next three days ...taught me so much patience.

Docs orders, I was placed on three days bed rest. My amazing mom came to help out and make dinner. My husband learned what being a true servant was all about. No shower for 2 days and not getting up from the bed but for the bathroom taught me a lot about myself!! I made it though. We moved right after I got off bed rest and we only had 2 more days to wait! We went on Monday morning August 11 to get the blood test done. I do not think I can ever express how I felt on that morning. It makes me sick just to think about it. I remember seeing this lady come in after us. She was already crying. Then we were in the elevator together. Everyone that knows me knows that I am extremely nosey! I had to ask her if she was ok. It was her 3rd time at IVF and she was getting her blood test done also. Suddenly I felt like crying for her or with her. A huge bolt of reality hit me. This might not work. (We did end up getting news that 2 embryo's made it through the culture process to be frozen-so we had back up) We left Charlotte and drove home to AC. Now all we could do was wait.

I had been doing this whole wait for the phone thing long enough. I had it figured out. If they had good news they called you first, bad news they waited til the end. So when she told me I would hear between 12-2 and I didn't hear anything til 1:45 that it could not be good news. I answered the phone...she only got four words out.... "I got bad news" and I handed the phone to hubby. My world shattered. Everything for nothing. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why can everyone else and not me? Why did I just waste so much time and MONEY? These were just a few questions that filled my thoughts. The next few days were spent thinking and crying. I was devastated. I hated hearing "I understand how you feel, it will be ok, God has a plan." No one knew how I felt, it was not going to be ok..... and I did not like Gods plan or Him at the moment.

It has been 3 months since all of this and there are still days that are VERY tough. I feel like all my friends are pregnant or have babies. I have been to way to many baby showers since all this started. And each one gets harder to go to. I find myself finding ways for me to get to leave early or only stay for a few minutes because I end up becoming emotional and the last thing I want to do is take away from their moment. I am so happy for them and their family, but it is so hard to hold back the emotions. I want that happiness.

God has taught me so much, since I have opened my heart and allowed Him to use this. It is still a growing process and I know that it will take time. I hope to document my hubby and I's journey as we give one last shot at this fertility thing this summer and start the adoption process. We ask for prayer. Pray that we hear God's voice clearly and act in obedience. He is using us in a special way and just pray that I can lay my selfish desires aside so He can do a work in me!

My first attempt!

So... I have a confession as to why I have decided to start this world of blogging. I have a slight obsession with reading other people's blog. I am not sure why, but I find the simple and complex things of other's lives intriguing. So here is my first attempt at this whole blog idea!!

My life is pretty simple yet complicated all in the same context. I have grown up in an amazing Christian home my entire life. I was blessed with wonderful parents, a brother that I adore, and a sister that in the last few years I have grown to have a special love for. By the way- I love the word SPECIAL! Let me explain. It was my senior year in high school when I felt a calling to be a special education teacher. I tried to run from it, but it got me. So I now have the amazing privilege of teaching what others call the "special" students. They are indeed special, but not in ways that most people use the word. They are special not because they are different then others that call themselves normal, but because on a REALLY bad day they are the ones that make you smile, that bring a happiness to your life that is beyond comprehension. It is an innocence that is indescribable. Right now I work specifically with at risk behavior students. And I think I have found just what part of the "special" ed world I love! They are challenging yet rewarding. Reason #2 I love the word Special- the definition...unique or specific to a person or thing. I love being unique. I love that some people are special in our lives, that my family is special (not just because they are special to me but because we really are "special"- I will explain in another blog entry) and that God's love for me is special! Now back to the blog.

My hubby and I got married on December 9, 2006 and my life changed. I became a wife and a step mother. I had always dreamed of that special day and mine was everything I had always wanted and more! My step daughter and I have a special relationship. She is a precious girl that has gone through more in her 12 years of life than I think I ever will. (she just turned 12 and is going on 20 :)) I pray daily that I can be a Godly woman in her life. We moved away for the first year and a half of our marriage to hubby's hometown and have just moved back to good ole AC! We have bought our first house together and are totally in love with it!

This summer was rough for us. We decided we were ready to start a family of our own. Little did we know, but starting a family was not as simple as we thought. A lot of this blog will discuss how finding out we are unable to have children on our own has made our life so special. It has created emotions in me that I never knew exsisted, has brought my husband and I closer and made me learn what real Faith in Christ is all about... I hope you enjoy reading as I go through a "special" journey that has changed my life. We have not given up that we will one day have a family, but we have learned it is not in our timing but in HIS!!

A quick intro of important people (I may not have pics of everyone... but I will do my best)

The Hubby and me

The step daughter (SD)

My amazing mom- "Ya-ya"

My crazy Dad- "pops"